Can You Be Happy In Your Relationship When You Don't Feel Loved?
Whether you can feel happy in a relationship while also not feeling loved probably depends on three things:
1. How much you need to feel loved
2. What kind of love you have in mind.
3. Exactly how unloved you actually feel in the relationship
With regard to the matter of how much you need to feel loved, some people need to feel loved more than others do. Then, too, there are people who may not need to feel loved more than anyone else does but who won't feel loved unless a partner is always doing something to make him/her feel loved.
For the person who doesn't care a whole lot of about who loves him/her and who doesn't need constant reassurance of being loved, being in a relationship that is only friendly and pleasant may be enough. On the other hand, if a person is someone who needs constant reassurance that a partner loves him/her, but has a partner for whom such constant reassurance doesn't come naturally, that person is not likely to be happy not matter how loved he/she actually is.
Then there is the matter of exactly what kind of love you have in mind. There are many kinds of love, and only one involves being "in love" or romantic love. The world is full of people in relationships in which each person cares deeply about, and even treasures, the other - and yet neither could say he/she is "in love" with the other person. We hear all the time that people should marry their best friends, and best friends usually care very much about one another. For the person who is only interested in being "in love" or in romantic love, not having that is likely to eventually lead to feeling that something is missing.
When a partner may care deeply but doesn't feel romantic love, some people simply adjust. Some partners simply pretend. How happy either partner can feel probably depends more on the other good things they share in their relationship, rather than just on the absence of "grand, romantic, love".
The third factor is exactly how unloved you feel in any relationship. There are relationships that aren't quite what someone had wished they would be, but aren't horrible. There will always be husbands who no longer bring flowers or wives who no longer have time to pack a special lunch with a note, and that kind of thing can be the beginning of not feeling quite as loved any longer.
On the other hand, there are partners who become overcome with resentment at the presence of a partner they no longer love, and whom they may blame for having become "so unlovable". When the resentment builds to the point where a partner starts to show contempt (and worse), the kind of "feeling unloved" the other will experience goes beyond not getting flowers once in a while.
If contempt, resentment, and lack of respect grow too overwhelming a partner's behavior can become abusive (or they at least share some behaviors with abusive partners); but the irony is that while abusive (or borderline abusive) behavior can be very damaging to the person who takes the brunt of it, some abuse victims actually feel loved on some level. When cruelty comes more from a resented, empty, relationship; even the partner who doesn't particularly care about feeling loved will begin to lose self-esteem (which, of course, is a cause of severe unhappiness).
Contempt and resentment don't always show up in big, abusive, ways, though. Sometimes they show up in many, many, small ways over the course of a day. It can be difficult for even the toughest of thick-skinned people to remain happy when "attacks" seem to keep coming all through the day, every day, over a long period of time.
I once read that of all the different types of love we, humans, experience, there are two things that must be present if any love is to be considered "genuine" and whole.
One of those things is admiration. When we love someone we look at them, and think of them, with admiration, regardless of anything else that may be showing up at the time.
The other, and possibly most important, ingredient to genuine, whole, love is respect. That doesn't mean respecting someone for being nice but not respecting them as an equal. It doesn't mean respecting them for being pretty or handsome, but not respecting anything else about them. Neither does it mean respecting someone for their intelligence but having little or no respect for other things about them. Respect, on the other hand, is not about scaring someone into not talking freely. When we are seen by someone with genuine and whole respect it is a nurturing thing, and when someone only respects one thing about us, or nothing about us, it is very destructive to a soul.
Respecting someone else means seeing them as an individual, just as we are; and it means seeing them as an individual who is every bit as "equal" and important as we are. Respect doesn't involve looking at someone who has flaws or has failures and assuming they are the result of his inferiority. It is about looking at someone with flaws and failures and believing that - underneath what's on the surface - there is a capable, whole, decent, human being who has experienced challenges that we have not.
Whether or not we can happily live without the admiration of a partner may depend on how much admiration we need from other people; but whether we can be happy with a partner who does not respect us, as human beings, is a question to which the only answer would seem to be "no".
I believe that a lot of people can be happy in a relationship even if they don't feel loved; but I think they need to have most of the other aspects of their life in good shape, as well as having most of the other positive things that can make a relationship feel caring and solid in its own way. It's one thing to feel cared about, liked, or respected - but just not loved.
On the other hand, when "not being loved" really means being truly disliked, or even hated; and when contempt, lack of respect, hostility, and even disgust are demonstrated toward us regularly, then I don't think it's possible to be the least bit happy - except, of course, when the partner is not around.
1. How much you need to feel loved
2. What kind of love you have in mind.
3. Exactly how unloved you actually feel in the relationship
With regard to the matter of how much you need to feel loved, some people need to feel loved more than others do. Then, too, there are people who may not need to feel loved more than anyone else does but who won't feel loved unless a partner is always doing something to make him/her feel loved.
For the person who doesn't care a whole lot of about who loves him/her and who doesn't need constant reassurance of being loved, being in a relationship that is only friendly and pleasant may be enough. On the other hand, if a person is someone who needs constant reassurance that a partner loves him/her, but has a partner for whom such constant reassurance doesn't come naturally, that person is not likely to be happy not matter how loved he/she actually is.
Then there is the matter of exactly what kind of love you have in mind. There are many kinds of love, and only one involves being "in love" or romantic love. The world is full of people in relationships in which each person cares deeply about, and even treasures, the other - and yet neither could say he/she is "in love" with the other person. We hear all the time that people should marry their best friends, and best friends usually care very much about one another. For the person who is only interested in being "in love" or in romantic love, not having that is likely to eventually lead to feeling that something is missing.
When a partner may care deeply but doesn't feel romantic love, some people simply adjust. Some partners simply pretend. How happy either partner can feel probably depends more on the other good things they share in their relationship, rather than just on the absence of "grand, romantic, love".
The third factor is exactly how unloved you feel in any relationship. There are relationships that aren't quite what someone had wished they would be, but aren't horrible. There will always be husbands who no longer bring flowers or wives who no longer have time to pack a special lunch with a note, and that kind of thing can be the beginning of not feeling quite as loved any longer.
On the other hand, there are partners who become overcome with resentment at the presence of a partner they no longer love, and whom they may blame for having become "so unlovable". When the resentment builds to the point where a partner starts to show contempt (and worse), the kind of "feeling unloved" the other will experience goes beyond not getting flowers once in a while.
If contempt, resentment, and lack of respect grow too overwhelming a partner's behavior can become abusive (or they at least share some behaviors with abusive partners); but the irony is that while abusive (or borderline abusive) behavior can be very damaging to the person who takes the brunt of it, some abuse victims actually feel loved on some level. When cruelty comes more from a resented, empty, relationship; even the partner who doesn't particularly care about feeling loved will begin to lose self-esteem (which, of course, is a cause of severe unhappiness).
Contempt and resentment don't always show up in big, abusive, ways, though. Sometimes they show up in many, many, small ways over the course of a day. It can be difficult for even the toughest of thick-skinned people to remain happy when "attacks" seem to keep coming all through the day, every day, over a long period of time.
I once read that of all the different types of love we, humans, experience, there are two things that must be present if any love is to be considered "genuine" and whole.
One of those things is admiration. When we love someone we look at them, and think of them, with admiration, regardless of anything else that may be showing up at the time.
The other, and possibly most important, ingredient to genuine, whole, love is respect. That doesn't mean respecting someone for being nice but not respecting them as an equal. It doesn't mean respecting them for being pretty or handsome, but not respecting anything else about them. Neither does it mean respecting someone for their intelligence but having little or no respect for other things about them. Respect, on the other hand, is not about scaring someone into not talking freely. When we are seen by someone with genuine and whole respect it is a nurturing thing, and when someone only respects one thing about us, or nothing about us, it is very destructive to a soul.
Respecting someone else means seeing them as an individual, just as we are; and it means seeing them as an individual who is every bit as "equal" and important as we are. Respect doesn't involve looking at someone who has flaws or has failures and assuming they are the result of his inferiority. It is about looking at someone with flaws and failures and believing that - underneath what's on the surface - there is a capable, whole, decent, human being who has experienced challenges that we have not.
Whether or not we can happily live without the admiration of a partner may depend on how much admiration we need from other people; but whether we can be happy with a partner who does not respect us, as human beings, is a question to which the only answer would seem to be "no".
I believe that a lot of people can be happy in a relationship even if they don't feel loved; but I think they need to have most of the other aspects of their life in good shape, as well as having most of the other positive things that can make a relationship feel caring and solid in its own way. It's one thing to feel cared about, liked, or respected - but just not loved.
On the other hand, when "not being loved" really means being truly disliked, or even hated; and when contempt, lack of respect, hostility, and even disgust are demonstrated toward us regularly, then I don't think it's possible to be the least bit happy - except, of course, when the partner is not around.
